Emotional Marshmallows Part III

“If you are more relaxed, I think your brain functions more effectively.”  –Dali Lama

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response.”   – Victor Frankl

Welcome back to our discussion about resilience. When this post started,  I asserted the following skills as being key to keeping kids resilient: 1) Problem-solving skills, 2) emphasis on choices over traits, 3) cognitive flexibility, and 4) stress reduction activities. Having fleshed out 1-3, we are left with perhaps the most desired life change goal among 21st century Americans, STRESS REDUCTION.

Part of the definition of resilience is elasticity. It is the reason that  skyscrapers are engineered to sway in the wind.  The motion relieves stress and keeps the building standing. Bending, relaxing, swaying, giving and taking– are all the opposite of stress. Too much stress and things break.

Being relaxed and in control is key to resilience, especially in the face of bullying. Studies have shown that bullying has become less physical and more verbal. Name-calling and exclusion are more prevalent  than physical aggression.  As a result, being poised and ready to fight is not the deterrent that it used to be. Being relaxed and exercising self-control in the face of fire is the best defense.

So instead of teaching kids to fight, we need to teach them to dance. Not literally, of course, but figuratively. Dance is a lively sequence of steps — and flexibility is key.

How do we get a “wound up” kid to relax?

There are many approaches to managing stress in children: Exercise, mindfulness techniques, cognitive reframing, humor, art and non-directive play are all commonly used in a therapy setting. And don’t forget diet. Caffeine can make a kid’s springs become more tightly coiled.

But the simplest yet most effective technique that I’ve seen is learning to breathe. I say “learning” because it seems that many of us have forgotten how, or simply don’t feel we have the time.  A deep breath from the diaphragm, pushing the belly out, rising into the chest and lifting the collar bones– not a shallow puff from the chest but a full breath like a sleeping baby–  does wonders to calm the central nervous system and allows time to think.

Here’s the exercise:
One breathe in; one breathe out
Two breathe in; two breathe out
Three breathe in and hold (two three); three breath out (very slowly).

Make a game of it with your child or student when they are upset or “frazzled.” Count it out loud for them AND have them do it for you! Keeping in mind the quotes at the top of the page, this simple exercise makes kids more relaxed, allows their brains to function better, and creates a space between stimulus and response– all assets in managing the dance that is required when being picked on at school.

And remember, the best way to get a child to engage in any behavior (good or bad) is to model it. So, when you are driving and the rage begins to build, or if you are in front of the class and it’s one of those day when you are at your wit’s end, say to the little ones, “Give me a count…”

One breathe in; one breathe out
Two breathe in; two breathe out
Three breathe in and hold (two three); three breath out (very slowly).

And you do the same for them. Make it a game. Make it fun. Breathing and laughter mixed make the most therapeutic cocktail.

So, now that your are more relaxed and have provided a buffer between stimulus and response, what sort of dance might you do to deflect mean behavior?

I’m afraid we’ll have to save it for next time. We’ll call it the Emotional Marshmallow Trilogy Post Script. AND I promise to finally address the anti-bullying tactic that inspired it all,  “pressuring the victim” and the  “call me an idiot and I am going to make you laugh” routine.

In the meantime,

One breathe in; one breathe out
Two breathe in; two breathe out
Three breathe in and hold (two three); three breath out (very slowly).

My Best,




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